More Adventures in Blank Verse, Now with BONUS Sherlock Content!

[apple_pathways]

So, jacknjill270 gave me the idea of writing poetry about Sherlock Holmes. Since I'm working my way through the assignments in Writing Metrical Poetry, and the first assignment is to write a blank verse quatrain about a historical or literary figure, this is the perfect idea.

The first poem I wrote is just a quatrain, and is actually about John Watson.

To Watson

Deduction, Dear--and nothing more
you see, but don't observe;
and yet you know this man much more
than can describe by word.


This next poem is pretty rough; as I said, I'm focusing on process more than perfection right now. I'll detail the issues I have that I'd like to work out after the poem, and if anyone has any suggestions for improvement, please let me know!

Sherlock Holmes

An icon of icons, it's true;
and yet, more man than myth
A human mind made more so
by your deductive gift

He could create but not contain
(the man who made your mind)
Become much more than cap and pipe,
you live outside of time

When each new body breathes you life
new eyes join old in wait
to fall in love with you again,
to ponder out your fate



Ok, so here are the issue I have:

1. Does it work written in second person? On one hand, it could underscore the theme that Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character that's become real in the minds of many fans. On the other, it could grate on the nerves and seem a bit silly. I tried switching the pronouns to the third person, but it became a bit confusing; especially the bit where I talk about ACD.
   
2. I use the word "mind" twice, and rather close together, but I just could not find another word that worked as well in either place. Is it incredibly noticeable, or can I get away with it?
   
3. I do not like the last two lines; the last line in particular. The idea of "falling in love" with a character is trite and overdone. I need to find a better way to describe the process of new generations of fans re-discovering the character for themselves.
   
4. The first two stanzas contain "slant" or "almost" rhymes that utilize assonance: "myth" and "gift"; "mind" and "time". The last stanza contains an exact rhyme "wait" and "fate". I just don't think the last stanza is strong enough to support this change in pattern, and the rhyme only highlights the feebleness of the metaphor.
   

So, any poetry buffs who want to help a girl out? *g*




ETA: Does anyone know of a Sherlock Holmes community where I could post these poems? I've taken a look at the userinfo for the new comms, and they seem to only want content regarding the new BBC adaptation.

Comments

[jacknjill270.livejournal.com]

Oh hey, I was unintentionally inspiring! I believe cox_and_co will take poetry, but they only post slash, but dispatch_box will take gen as well. You might want to check their rules for posting though, because I'm not positive.

[apple-pathways.livejournal.com]

Cool, thanks for the recs! I'd really like to find someplace I can post poetry and get some workshopping/advice; however, I don't want to drop into a "serious poetry discussion" with my geeky Sherlock Holmes poems. I thought maybe a Holmes/Conan Doyle comm would be a good place to start. At least people would know the characters, and be able to tell me if the poems were at all suited to them.

Ever feel like you're too nerdy to hang out with the "cool nerds"? ;)