Gender, song lyrics, and vegetables.

[apple_pathways]

If you missed it, I have a poll up about 'femininity', what it means, and how well you fit into the paradigm here. (Please don't tell me you all are finally getting sick of my incessant polling???)

The garden is pretty much all dug in and planted. All that I have left to do is build trellises for the pumpkins, squash, and melons. Here's what it looks like so far: (click to embiggen)



And now, a few things that sparked my discussion post on femininity:

First, naturally, was a discussion at fail_fandomanon. Someone brought up a LJ user who identified as genderqueer, but in a way that made many people kinda roll their eyes and "whatever". I didn't make it very far into the thread, as I'm generally not interested in individual users who happen to provoke the annoyance of the masses, but it did get me thinking.

The basic accusation that was leveled against this person was that they were basically a woman who presented as a woman, but wanted special brownie points and therefore identified as genderqueer. Which got me started on the line of thinking: how far must one stray outside a culture's understanding of what it means to be a 'woman' before the label no longer fits?

When I took my intro to women's studies class back in the day, I had a teaching assistant who brought up the point (paraphrasing): "Who's to say what it 'feels like' to be a woman?" Meaning: what it means to be a woman is an idea that has changed over time, and every woman has her own understanding of what it means for herself. For each and every quality you can point to that denotes 'woman', I can show you a woman who lacks that quality. At what point do you decide you're not a woman, but a man instead? (Or vice versa.)

Of course, my feeling is that everyone should be able to decide for themselves. If a person that was designated female (or male) at birth decides it doesn't fit them and who they are inside, and they'd like to be something else, it's no business of mine that they do so. In my eyes, everyone gets to pick whether they want to be man, woman, or other.

(Incidentally, you might have noticed that I'm a fan of the singular 'they' as a gender neutral pronoun. If you're not for grammatical reasons: tough. If you're not for other reasons, I'm interested to hear them. And if anyone would like me to use a particular set of pronouns when addressing/referring to them, just quietly let me know, and I'll do my best. Though it might be like when I give one of my students a nickname they're not particularly fond of: once I get it into my head to call someone something, it takes a while for me to shake the habit. I'm sorry, Cole: but 'Coconut' just suits you!)

Ok, the second thing that sparked this discussion: Marina & The Diamonds.

I love her, but the girl's got issues with being a girl. Probably a lot of the same issues I have, actually! Most of the songs from her album "Family Jewels" are about her inability to fit into the various boxes people expect her to, but her song 'Girls' in particular seemed relevant to my musings about gender:

**From "Girls":

Girls they never befriend me
Cause I fall asleep when they speak
Of all the calories they eat
All they say is "na na na na na" (na na na na na)

And here:

Is there any possibility
You'll quit gossiping about me
To hide your insecurities
All you say is "blah, blah"


Reading those lyrics, your mind immediately conjures up exactly the type of girls she's talking about. (I lived on an entire floor of them my freshman year in college.) And even though I know exactly who she's talking about, and have just about the same reaction she does: I can't help but get angry that this narrow group of insecure, self-interested princesses are being used to represent all 'girls'.

It always bugs me when I hear women say, "All of my friends are guys. Women are just so catty..." It makes me extremely defensive. For one thing, the woman saying it is usually the kind of boring, catty bitch she's so desperate to avoid. What she means with that statement is "I don't like being called on my bullshit by other women: I much prefer the attention I get from men, who are willing to overlook my mountainous flaws in the hope that someday I might give in and sleep with them."

Secondly: I have lots and lots of female friends, and there's not a catty bitch in the bunch. I have an Flist here on LJ full of women, perhaps 20 of whom I know fairly well, and you are all amazing, intelligent, kind, supportive, humorous, interesting people, and though most of you have never met me in real life, you've all stepped up to support me when I've asked for it. It is THESE kind of women, I feel, who are the norm: the catty bitches are the outliers.

Of course, I do know that some women have trouble making female friends, and it's not because they're bad friends themselves. I have a couple RL friends who've always had that problem, for different reasons. One of my friends grew up in a small, rural town and never really made or kept female friends until well into college. Speaking of our group of friends, she said: "I just never knew women like this existed!" (We were smoking and drinking on the porch, making up rude stories about passersby.) Another friend of mine just has the worst luck: she's a great friend, but since moving away from Michigan, can never seem to meet friends who are willing to reciprocate. (She does have some good friends now, but it was pretty bleak for quite awhile!)

Why is this view of women so pervasive? Am I living in some sort of bubble-like Utopia, or does everyone else basically feel like women get a bum rap?

Well, rambly TL;DR post is...yeah, you know! Do share your thoughts, vote in the poll if you haven't, and...well, accept my kisses and hugs for being exceptional, regardless of your gender! :D

Comments

[planejane.livejournal.com]

I think women give women the worst rap. :( But, like you say, I know a ton of awesome women. They are a varied bunch, really very, very different, and I guess if I got them all in a room some wouldn't gel with others, but I like them all.